depleted. melancholy is depression turning to art for solace.

r. says she's depleted. i say i'm depleted all the time. she says that's sad. that i'm one-upping her. it's true i do feel depleted, depressed, at best melancholy. we withdraw in that state not knowing how to stay open. she feels depleted and i feel removed. maybe i'm incapable of empathy when i'm depleted too. maybe i'm a needy child who can never be filled. excuses don't excuse. we have to find water when we find the well's empty.

i know saying i feel depressed, i feel depleted, i too, just indicates me and doesn't address you or r. or anyone outside my little ego child. i can address the picture, i can address the dog. coming out of the penned pasture we saw a guy backpacking who greeted me saying he had just started talking to himself when he saw me and i said that happens all the time, to me, to me, and he said i'm sorry i can't pet your family member for i'm allergic to dogs, i said that's ok, no, i'm sorry, good day.

why don't you put julius up for adoption (i say to sarah). you both may be relieved. and if he did get shocked. (chewing electric cords). it would be awful.

dr. williams also said 3-4 years for mister. they don't know. they don't know i say. i say i'm focusing on his health now, not his illness. i know he is going to die, and me too. and his dying is a big part of mine.

she's trying to assess how much money to leave for his care, like insurance, betting on lifespan, but not including me.

i know how depression works, or rather, i know how depression does not work. i know the cost of simply continuing. can i turn depression back into melancholy that is deeper, that is feeling, that is nature, that is depleted?