that's why i don't trust, i can't be trusted, i'm not trust-worthy, so i can't trust, i'm insecure and there is no security, it's an illusion we make, because suddenly i'm found wanting, one thing i do or say or don't do or say right or forget or get confused, and every aspect is questionable, and tomorrow looms like an abyss, and i'm fully wrong, as i always knew, and shunned, exhausted awake alone and sleepless on a full moon. that i can so suddenly fall from expectation.

 the moon through black bars of the fire escape. 

i thought it was possible but we can't change who we are. the thing is i fail to meet expectations and i give up. 
post dat. i try again. i say i give up and that just means i'm sad i'm sorry i will try again because that's all we can do, the world is collapsing and we try again, in the failing try again.