r. asks what was it about the grey from childhood. i think it made me anxious, i was deathly sick with bronchitis so much. i felt trapped in my body, penetrated by the cold grey, unprotected. alone. my mind returns to that time when i was nine and had the recurring out-of-body dreams i couldn't wake from, when i was sucked up in the grey vacuum in the ceiling corner above my bed. 
it reminds me of feeling like i was going to die and i had no father and my mother was anxious and the grey was like our divorce, the divorce from everything that may have been light.