i wish i liked the grey weather more. it penetrates right into me. it pokes like a taproot into a grey zone, something beyond the day, some child time zone that's locked inside me. can i unlock it? can i infuse it with the light of understanding. only if i have the light to shine. 

like for photos. this light's good for photos. and obviously i'm in love with photographs, and looking now i see the light was there when i felt only the cold and grey. and mister's light, and his warmth when i bend to hug him.

i'm sorry, r. i made you feel bad with my grey despondency. i know that makes it worse for you and me. thanks. i know you like the grey. that helps me like it too. seeing how it makes you feel causes me to see how it makes me feel, and gives me the notion i could feel differently, that i could open the grey room of my childhood, maybe let in some of the atmospheric light that envelops the subject, even an empty room, with an aura of inner light. grey that radiates. well now i'm inside, looking at photos, listening to kranky records, perfect for writing some words on a grey rainy day.

now i realize i may feel differently. i may feel the cold and the grey penetrate, but i can concentrate the light in photographs, and bring it home, and go back out again for more. i'm going to see if i can modify my brain. ashwagandha. say that in my belly, through my veins, in my eyes, 
like a blessing.