dang me, i should'na said deserve. i was just saying to mary i was just saying to karin yesterday how lucky i am, and how i deserve it. funny, it almost seems i precipitated this. mary says, Oh no, you jinxed yourself!  (I never say out loud—or even think—that I deserve anything.  I see myself as the beneficiary of luck, whether good or bad…)

i say, yeah, i guess i precipitated this. i won't say deserve.

too late, i say. now i'm out on my ass.

mary says, You definitely DON’T deserve the bad luck.  (Sometimes it finds us anyway)

yeah! maybe i'm not jinxed by self regard. maybe it's just bum luck. but i won't say deserve ever again out loud.

but wtf, how come you can say somebody else deserves something good and they don't get jinxed? or do they? when you say, he's a bad s.o.b., he deserves whatever he gets, he usually just gets away with murder. maybe in that case, if it's a bad person, jinxing him is good luck.

i wonder why i said that word. usually i say i'm lucky, or sometimes unlucky. yet intellectually i think you don't really jinx yourself, or someone, though sometimes it's not luck, and you rather make good or make bad. i was telling karin i try to make good. but that one word, de-serve, made bad come to my very door. i get that collapsing in my breast. now what do i do? is there no counter-spell? how long will the jinx remain? does it have a half-life of decay?