my cousin shari is a veterinarian and dear to me. she is so sweet, and it's natural that she would be helping animals and animal people. i praise her heart here.
we were writing about divorce. i told her dogs save my life.

Oh believe me I understand when you say the dogs saved your life. I have had many people tell me the same thing. And I've seen the converse: when the animal dies the human loses their will to live. I have had people tell me (as I'm euthanizing their dog) that the dog is their best friend. That the dog is all they have to live for. That they don't want to live without the dog. That they want me to give the shot to them too....

It really can't be overstated how important a dog is to so many of us, myself included. I know there are people who live without animals but I don't get them!  And I really don't know any of them. Since I work with animals it seems that all my social interactions are with animal people.  Some people bond to their cats like that but I think the emotional bond is there so much more with a dog.

Regarding your childhood experience: I think adults who decide to leave their spouse selfishly talk themselves into thinking kids are resilient and the breakup of the marriage is just between the adults in the family, and not going to have much effect on the kids.  I suppose there are kids who are resilient like that but for every resilient kid there is a sensitive one who is deeply wounded. I remember when my parents told me that Aunt Anita was getting divorced. Even at my distance it really shook me up, just knowing this was a possibility and imagining what it would be like to have my Dad leave and have a new daughter that he lived with. And not me. For a long time I obsessed about every little sign that my parents' marriage might be in trouble after that.

I think even generations later those wounds are still present. My great grandparents were divorced (which must have been super unusual for that age.)  Grandma Connie's father left  for another woman and started a new family. Grandma's half brother (from that second marriage) just died a couple of years ago and I could tell that Mom still carried that hurt and resentment on behalf of her mother, 8 decades later. Grandma's half brother got all the love (and financial resources) from the father and poor Grandma was just lost. Her Dad moved to the other side of the country and she only lived with him for short vacations after that.  When she grew up she got into a bad marriage with my grandpa and of course that ended in divorce too. Although that divorce didn't result in a new family with "replacement" kids. I think that is a whole new trauma that affects kids on a totally different level.  I suspect that my mom was in part attracted to Dad just because he was so stable. And her top priority was to have some stability in her life.

Anyway, all that to say that I could well imagine having that kind of family fracturing would lead to some serious trust issues for the kids involved. love and hugs - S

 

it started with a cat here for me. walking the cat i found the dogs, so i credit the cat for that. and now renate has two cats and i love them, one is kind of hers and the other, the boy, is kind of mines. and he's like a dog.

i've been thinking of when copper dies. he's so alive inside me i feel i will die too. i've actually thought of asking for the injection myself. but i tell others the only way out is on, to the next dog that needs and is needed by you.

regarding the family break, i'm not sure if more damage came before or after, it's a continuum i guess. but the fracture was deeply damaging when the family was intact. i was resilient in that animals saved me then too. kids seek animals like nutrients that are missing in human society i think. kids want animals and the animal nature within themselves. they want a natural continuum in a culture so unnatural, predicated on war on life, and money.

the trauma gets buried and continues.

love, doug

 

*i'm not sure what to include and what not from email. maybe it's not interesting or useful to others. maybe it's my own stuff. if i had an editor what would my editor include? but i am my editor, so i can't differ to the editor, i mean defer. and i must admit the strong possibility that i am an awful editor. [ed.]