thinking about dad. when r. got out the little aluminum tree i put on neil diamond the little drummer boy, handing her the silvery branches and thinking about dad. we said again, we're not doing family christmus, not this year, and i waffled and we got upset. i said, well i don't wanna be the family pariah. you're 59 years old. never too old to be a pariah. but yes we're doing the winter solstice for two, my birthday, and maybe we'll go round to the dogs houses. and hanging christmus on the spindly sparkling sweet little tree. what always swallowed my birthday. ok, i'm good, sorry family. i give the gift of my peace and love. oh dad, you fucked up that holiday that seemed so good, i remember in pictures. but listening to neil, that father-son bridge, i remember you, goblet in hand, fire coming through the glass, blood light swirling, smell of pitch, we were always so stiff and sappy, eyes watery, dad, so long, i miss you like a picture.

updat. i thought the aluminum tree was a family heirloom and i said how i started thinking of dad and i'm sure you think of your dad when you see the tree again too and she says, not really, and i'm thinking, i guess she's not that sentimental, and then when she reads the post she says that's not my family tree!