each step is a mountain in a mountain of steps. lately he's been stopping at the bottom where he paused. yesterday i talked him up, but today i couldn't watch him struggle, and i wanted to feel his weight, so i carried him up. i wish i was bigger. i would carry him anywhere we wanted to go. i wish he could ride on my shoulder like fen used to do. to think of the kid with thick glasses in the show about dogs, who dances with a crooked partial spine and needs a dog to walk her. he's been my spirit guide dog, at times he's been my very spirit, now i need his need, i need to be what he needs, that's what i need too.