after the conversation with kumar when he said i had a book in me and i felt very uncomfortable as though maybe i actually had a book in me and i panicked and thought of dad saying the same and fear flushed through my entirety like the book would never escape as i would never escape chicago but then i woke at 2 something a.m. thinking that dad, now dead, his book died inside him, is now in me writing this, but i am in control, and the panic subsides.