so i feel grim but alive. i may have offended kumar with the sugar mama jibe, and i may have pushed sara on the midway, but if we're friends it'll all be ok. 
i saw the film 99 homes and got real fucking angry again at the heartlessness of this financial system we are caught in. evil is so banal it's not even called that anymore, evil is now just opportunity, and if you don't answer the knock, they'll knock the door down, and they'll knock you out. 
i finished the moth snowstorm and it was a relief because it didn't go far enough, and i thought when he said we have need of nature i thought well most of us don't, or don't know they do, being severed at the root, or myopic on the personal device. the ones like the writer of the moth snowstorm are rare, and there needs to be many many more to save even bits of nature. 
then i started a book called the gap, about the gap between humans and animals, and how most animals that have existed are extinct, including all the other human animal species but us, there used to be a variety, now there's just homo sapiens, we are the last humans, and the other ones existed far longer than we have. 
i think if the process of species prefers the ones who survive to breed i'm glad to be one that will die out without making more humans, but sad that the ones to survive and breed will be mostly the ones who are beyond nature, fittest only to crush the competition. so i don't compete, and for a little while i survive. and like he remembers the moth snowstorm i remember the phosphorescent animal constellations birthing and fading every dip of my paddle in my borrowed leaky kayak in the deep blue night.