there is some concern about the heat. and age. we make allowances. we try to keep it going. if we stop we're done for. i need his cherriot for when he comes to stay with me if we are to reach the beach. i don't have air yet here. just one little fan. aside from the quotidian concerns i feel lost when i think of him getting old. do i feel lost about getting old myself? my dad didn't get that old, but he was impatient with age in others, like his mom, he didn't want to see it, he almost avoided coming to see her before she died. he would have preferred not. he was impatient with weakness, sickness, and age. i feel his ghost in me and i can't manage his ghost with my reason alone. i have to engage his ghost with foregrounded practical concerns because it can wreak havoc in the background. now i think of how ghosts have succession in living beings and of how we must make peace with them. we must make them our ghosts rather than live under that ghostly occupation.