if i think of these pictures being the last of lulu swimming it's so sad. i was already sad, lousy sad. think i'm deeply depressed. why can't i lighten up? it's pandemic but it's not that, it's preexisting, damn it, i've always been depressed. alcohol made it far worse, drugs didn't help. my therapist says it's just habitual thinking, that i have to change my habits, that i have to work, and somehow i can't. the depression stalls me, holds me captive. i hold myself captive, she says. i never wanted to work as my father said. my thinking is habitual and i'm captive. so i have to change my habit of thinking. when i get stuck with a dog i can usually shake it off, but the fatigue and inertia, the lousy feeling returns. why are some people simply happy and others sad? 
i know lulu tomorrow will set out in the direction of the lake, and i'll have to steer her the other way. i wonder if it would have been better not to have even tried. if she hadn't known she could swim she wouldn't miss it. now all the fountains are off, and it's midsummer, i hope lulu doesn't get sad like me. now i'm afraid we'll just go through the motions, after her joy.
i remember when i first came to vista and stayed with a depressed dog, a scottie who was said to hate walks and pooped on the rug. i thought why is this dog so depressed? i tried to take him on walks and cheer him up, but he was inert mostly and just stared at me with black moon eyes. i can see someone thinking the same about me, wondering what in the world is going on inside.