Monday, November 11, 2019

              how can i live with continuous fear. how can we all live with continuous war.

malina: get up, move around, walk up and down with me, breathe, take a deep breath.
me: i can't, i'm sorry, i can't sleep anymore if it goes on like this.
malina: why are you thinking "war and peace"?
me: it's called that because one follows the other, isn't that the way it is?
malina: you don't have to believe everything, you better think about it. 
me: me
malina: it isn't war and peace.
me: what is it then?
malina: war.
me: how am i ever supposed to find peace? i want peace. 
malina: it's war. all you have is this little intermission, nothing more.
me: peace!
malina: there is no peace in you, not even in you.
me: don't say that, not today. you're terrible.
malina: it's war. and you are the war. you yourself.
me: not me.
malina: we all are, you included.
me: then i don't want to be anymore, because i don't want war, then put me to sleep, make it end. i want the war to end. i don't want to hate anymore, i want... i want... 
malina: breathe more deeply, come on. there, there, it's better, you see, i'm holding you, come over to the window, breathe more calmly, more deeply, take a break, now don't talk. 



ingeborg bachmann,
malina

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