i was feeling it when i asked r. and she said i've said enough. i guess i thought it was a process. it used to be i could play around, say stuff, maybe goofy, but knowing it was just playing in time. now i feel elegiac and don't want to get maudlin or dull and dumb. i was going to say i'll try for dignity and grace, maintain silence and flower like trees. but who knows. anyway i am that way, i get sentimental and embarrassing like my dad, not knowing what to say, wanting to just feel, but feeling of a captive place. i don't want to conflate my feelings about fen with my awkward sentimentality, so maybe i can just say a few words about fen, or simply let the pictures be. enough.