woke once at 1234, again at 212, on 4/22/2021, thinking about something a friend said, about a student jumper across the street and north from her and equidistant across the street and south from bear. i couldn't find any more about it and r. said maybe it didn't happen and i asked my friend again and she said it just crossed her threshold, she doesn't follow news and i knew that and wondered why it had crossed her threshold, so local so close, and wondered if anything else had, any police murder, any convictions, something, and i thought of being embarrassed at some of my obsessive gleanings and frettings, like with the voices in the tunnel and in the train arcade, voices of blackness, and being off white, even my wanting not to be but wanting too, to be with others, to be other than what they say, isolate, i thought of drift and randomness and fixed position, in a room looking out, wondering what is looking out for us, what are we meaning to do, and i thought we are not meant to be aware, that's how the fixation happens, the fixedness in place, how we get fixed by system, how we want to pass though the news to be aware of others suffering, to connect the dots of otherness, awareness living into, through, and beyond the news.