why do we have the urge to make meaning. if everything only means what it is. meaning would be apparent as bodies. but then there's ghosts, only apparent to some. seems like when you try to make meaning it's rather forced, and what does it matter if it's not enjoyable. why can't we just enjoy ourselves instead of searching for meaning. we've heard it said all will be apparent in the end, but that's like a fairy tale. if anything has meaning it would be a waste to only become apparent at the end, like a ghost. to me it's a good picture, even if it's just by the by and not saying anything especially, so i'm sorry i'm not going to apologize for this.

 i'm going to try not to fret, even though i feel kind of fretful, or unsure. jasper seems unsure too, and needy and thinking a lot but i don't know what. i'm just going to read meaning a life for a little, she only wrote the one book, i like that, she didn't want to perform i think, just to live, and after she lived she wrote down what she remembered in a book and the way it feels that was right and enough. then we're going to watch exterminate all the brutes by raoul peck. there's plenty of meaning, the world is replete with meaning, meaning is everything.