i hear from someone reading this that it sounds like i'm losing it. that's what i fear, but it makes me cry inside to hear it come back that others think i'm losing it too. it corroborates my fear. well i said to sarah if it sounds like i'm losing it it probably has sounded so before many times. i've probably lost it many times even before i started this thing that goes back something like ten years. there was a blog before this. much of the time i was drinking and living alone in that suicide studio with no hot water and a stew of dispossessed impedimenta so to speak, a collection of cast-off objects like to fill a black hole. i think most of this current iteration i've been "sober", but obviously sober is not sane. i feel like i'm losing it so often. so often i feel like crying. but i seem to forget that people might be reading me and saying oh, he's really losing it. now i feel like crying again. r. says i relish in my suffering. i think it's my internal mode and has always been even when i'm profitably employed and otherwise engaged. sometimes i think though i'm sounding pithy when to some i sound pathetic. i don't want to lose it. i'm going back to the talk therapist tomorrow. i will ask her what she thinks, should i ask her to read the blog? maybe that's too much, i've already emailed her twice and only done one paid session. oh what the hell maybe i'll give her the option, but not expect her to read it. maybe. there are a lot of maybes, like swarms of maybes, in the blog, in life and talk therapy. how do we know when we've really lost it?