try to calm. deep breaths. panic attack? heart attack? thanks universe for the blog. kumar said i have a book in me. strange dad said the same thing. he also said i am nothing, or did he? anyway i said i thought i could never contain myself in a book, or have the personal quality to make a book. how many have died with a book inside? calmer now. i had a total body flush and my head felt a drowning, like drowning in space, but in my body drowning in interstellar space within my body. i felt i could not contain it. i thought, i am going to die, or fall down, or write down something that helps me go on. 
it was after talking to kumar. do you think he is aware of my state? i'll see when i next see him. we talked of the degradation of the planet, of the destruction going on and the human scourge. he said it's happened before and i said not like this. he said you will see a change and i said i thought the only change would be cataclysmic and most of us would be dead. he said it won't be that bad. it will be milder, a change in consciousness, a lightening of the present heedless destruction of life. i said i had read apocalypse didn't mean destruction but the coming of light. he said, does it? then i questioned myself. i have to look that up, something i read, long ago. did i make it up? did i believe it then? 
i think the water treadmill is bad for mister. he comes up lame after. also we think that growth on his belly is growing from the laser treatments, which can grow cancer cells. oh my god, this was when i started to panic, i said i think those treatments are bad and headed toward the bathroom. when i got there i thought i was going to pass out, i felt like i had a massive dose of niacin like i did once in college and i ran berserk down the street red and flowing heat and sweat. the state of mister and the state of my self and the planet overwhelmed with human degradation, and it passed, enough anyways so i can continue to write this blog. for what it is worth.
i started reading the moth snowstorm. if i could write a book...

i want to feel kumar is right, that the healing has begun, that light is on the way, but hasn't that always been said, and hasn't it always been this way?  

postscript which would have been in the body of it somewhere. kumar does seem to believe in god, not the western one, but a unified energy or something, a cosmic will, i confess i have not read his website, but he asked why god would allow the natives here to be so systematically destroyed when they worked with the earth in a sustainable way with respect for life, and why god would allow this same systematic destruction of indigenous people everywhere on earth. if that was god's will what the fuck does god intend? what benefit in all this human destruction. is it just to bring this species to its own destruction? or is it not god at all but some alien seeding of the earth, the seeds of destruction seem to be seeded and flourishing, and patented. patent destruction. that doesn't sound like god's will. it sounds alien. i told kumar that's what i felt when i looked at politicians like bush and and obama and trump, and lord, a host of others, no light in their eyes, no connection, an alien feeling that my heart and solar plexus are repulsed by, making me want to run and hide myself in a warm loving dog.