i woke several times thinking of him in the cage with his belly shaved and a railroad cut with metal stitches running along his belly, tongue hanging and breathing fast, wondering what is happening. i'm just going to feel sad now. sadness may not find solace. we might have to feel the sadness our own way, maybe there's solace in simply staying with the sadness, not trying to make ourselves forget, or feel better. now is a time of deep sadness, a root, earth sadness, and an individual sadness, rootless, hanging in air.
i slept in a half hour. so often i feel the longing to sleep in, and then i think of mister waiting, and i see his face, the reason i'm here and the reason i want to get up and go out in the world i fear, and the solace of the fear.