i was hurt he had no compassion for me or my story, and not the slightest interest in knowing. then it occurred to me with his army of good he makes a career of compassion, and every army of good must have its general, or warlord, or benevolent dictator. he's the lord of compassion of his army of good, but you must be worthy and you must not challenge the lord in his inconsistent and mysterious ways, lest you be dismissed as a critic, and unworthy of his compassion.
he dismissed me as middle school, and i thought, oh, so criticism of his holiness is ignoble, lowly, regressive, bullying. i've known bullies throughout life, the ones who were bullied often become the bully, and are fierce about maintaining the balance of power they were deprived of, once upon a time. the mechanics are subtle sometimes, as well as intractable.
his compassion conceals, his compassion compensates, his compassion condescends, his compassion controls his convenient conception, but control is exhausting, and hard to maintain.
the projections don't protect one, and the projections are predictive, the projections we make become a static, endless and exhausting project.
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