we had a bad argument last night and it continues today. what happens is

cataclysmic and unthinkable. i feel shaken and my brain ceases to 

function and i wonder if i'm sane. it's a desperate feeling. yesterday 

somebody said we must not fall into despair. we need to grieve, but if we 

despair we are truly lost. can we come back? and will we still be afraid 

it might happen again and keep on happening with brief respites, 

endlessly? during bear walk this redtail hawk came to the 

fire escape and looked in at penny and then r. i was too late. the 

visitor came for r. i thought it was a good thing, and maybe things would 

come into balance. no. something happened again that stops us, that we 

can't get past. maybe it's me and my insanity.