so i feel more calm. i'm embarrassed for getting angry at eric on the midway, i need to calm myself at the moment i feel my storm rise. it's habitual and hard to change. my dad got angry like that and it scares me all over when it's me. almost like it's his ghost, but no, it's me.

that being said he said some things that i'd like to mention. he said that the kid's protest wall was unsightly, and should be somewhere else. and he said that it wasn't necessarily racists that ripped down the artwork and smashed the framed pictures of the murdered. it's unsightly, because the haters rip it up and spray paint white power and trump over it and smash glass. it was beautiful when the kids made it, and each time they've cleaned up and remade it. so i actually was defending the protest and the kids, and clarifying that the destruction was by racist, not just destruction for fun. as i think of it i was right in countering his  opinions with facts. the embarrassment comes from my anger and loss of composure. if i could have said the same things without anger, or calmed the anger and spoken calmly, but, it's ok. the small storm came and went, and i recognized that eric's blasé demeanor is a trigger. now, if i can manage to be righteous and calm. that's why i'm not an activist i think. i would quickly burn out. and it's a long road. and racism will never end, not in this place.