where is the book father?

i never felt my father's protection. i never felt my father protecting me. maybe that's why i always rejected the patriarchy. i was thinking as i read memories of the future this morning
and she talks about how the book became unwieldy and kept getting away from her a certainty that sprawled and she allowed to trail and followed anyway. it trailed before and behind her, her trail. i'm on it.
my father said i had a book in me. and this is the book he rejected or couldn't read, or maybe he's in it now reading, he probably felt that way too, his father a hulking hairy round-shouldered lack, who he rejected, who didn't read him, who got under his skin but never protected him. no that's going too far. i don't understand fathers and sons. i only know mine was a malingerer. he's still in there, in here, malingering, saying i think you got a book in you, but not the book he thought of and not writing, not the son he expected, the father, protection internalized,

i can only imagine is my responsibility.