this is important to me though maybe not to anyone else so i'll say it for myself and you can skip. S. was alarmed at my texts and emails worried about suicidal ideation and i said i had suicidal ideation since i was a little tike, or at least i thought long about death, maybe the suicidal ideation came with adolescence, but i've always thought about death and mostly with fascination, and talking about it never meant doing it, though i do want to organize a final exit strategy and lament that doctrors are still criminalized for helping, when they know how to do it without pain or incapacitation. medicine is still crude and barbaric oh well. then i was talking with a dog friend about death walking barney yesterday and she told me about her brother visiting and saying this may be my last visit, and it was. she seemed at peace with it and glad he had told her. S. mentioned the mortician lady, and something about death masks and i remembered my siter made life masks, identical to death masks. i had one of her for a long time and then lost it. it was a peaceful, subjective object. to be continued i imagine.