i hafta go to talk therapy. i don't wanna go. i want to go swimming or walk the big marsh. ok i'll go. after that i'll feel beta, maybe, who knows. 

yawp, i feel beta, though my frontal lobe is rather dense. the wind was cool and strong and toppled a large jade plant in the garden. i was kind of projecting my voice because of the muffle of the mask and because of the hardness of hearing when one can't see the mouth. 
there's a gestalt nature to the personality, to memory, to talk therapy, and ever changing like memory. being present involves everything. the morning was sweet, yet later i felt mildly dissociative, and yet i still felt present, sometimes i go into sadness after connection, maybe as a defense, because things even are called up even in desire that may be confusing and unsettling. sadness became a habit with me early, before dad divorced us, probably fom the beginning when mom felt trapped and abandoned, and in her sadness rather abandoned us, though she was always there, taking care.