i've had a hard time communicating all my life. that's why i gravitated early on to animals. if we could be animals we wouldn't get so confused, right? animals just communicate or they don't, and if they don't they don't get heartbroken. but i struggle so, and i'm heartbroken that i can't communicate. in my heart i wish we could be and that would be felt.
it got dire here again. storms inside and out. i wrote a post as a cry thinking about this dark time and fearing it would never get better and r. said words are prayers and my words were feeding the negative things i wrote about. she said someone she read said that saying i can't breathe feeds that idea and makes it reality, whereas i think the reality is i cant breathe and people are saying that before dying, and then people are saying they cant breathe under this oppressive force, and also saying it in solidarity with those who've died and the whole society that lives with these forces all the time. 
long ago before it was the phrase of the mass protest against police killing, i actually felt short of breath just breathing the air, without being choked by police, i wrote about not being able to breathe right in this society, this country. i know this is different, but it's the same feeling intensified to the point of threat to life. i can't imagine what that degree of i can't breathe feels like, yet i'm afraid because i can. it's just that i'm white. but i feel the omnipresent threat of the police state.

i felt criticized for my post and i was defensive. i get the point that i need to reflect on my words and on the power of words and maybe if i reread the post i would say yes i can see that's not really helpful, but actually feeding negative energy into the forces that i'm lamenting about? that doesn't seem fair. i don't think my words have that power, my words are a sad and angry lament sometimes, yeah, but i say some prayers and affirmations too.

sorry for going into this, its just heartbreaking, the aftermath of hard words.