there's a frightening disintegration going on in the human systems, in nature. everything we took for granted—health, nature, government, memory—slowly, and suddenly, violently collapsing. we can't remember, do you feel that? we can't remember the past, we can't remember even where we're at. we have been here before but we can't remember. how we got here, thinking we were going somewhere else. some dream of life. some natural dream forgot. this is unprecedented. personal memory must be the most alarming disintegration of all. all the losses are converging, it's not like teilhard de chardin's omega point though, it's not everything rising—everything is disintegrating, devolving into chaos. it feels like this disintegration is a return to something primal, the primal soup we came from, but this time the soup is plastic, depleted, chemical and nuclear waste. the soup of annihilation, not beginning. but what i worry about most is my own mind, how to keep thinking, remembering. will i be able to remember what i need to do to stay relatively balanced, to do what is necessary to take care, to survive. because that's what we have to face now. when everything is breaking down, when governments do not take care, and instead kill, how do we not fall into the prevailing pattern madness and destruction.