it happens again. it's good and then the h word pops like an woebegotten aneurysm in my sodden brain and i know i have lost grace and am left with humiliation. is it just my nature? it reminds me of therapy. it's like i fucking know this shit but then real life shows me i don't know shit, i'm flying by the seat of my pants. or lulu shows me she's as bonkers as she is wont to be and i'm just the humiliated guy who holds the leash.