i should be with him. i hope he's not afraid. i'm afraid and i'm afraid i would make him anxious. i'm afraid of surgery. his surgery, mine. i feel the trauma in my lower belly where they cut and patched me with a piece of screen. i feel his trauma home from the last surgery. he was wild with fear, it was still going on, something was very wrong. another emergency, he had to go back. i couldn't even get him into the car. i brought the twin crystal this morning. it won't heal his body, but it's a healing picture. he looks far away. he looks right into me. we're twin. what if i lose him, my twin. what if i lose him, what then.