down by the train embankment lulu consoles me.

i felt sad all day not just about myself but everyone who's suffering. suffering isn't on a scale but a continuum. i feel small in my suffering. but john says we're all vulnerable. i need to remember that. there's a tendency to isolate in suffering, for me. i think partly in shame. my dad had no tolerance for weakness or suffering. he would put shame on you. i can be self shaming in his honor, and isolating in self-punishment, and nonetheless adamant about exploring my particular suffering, relentlessly. but it's hard for me to admit, ask for, allow help. i want my body to heal itself, and when it can't i feel undermined and listless, despondent. this disease is beyond my body's self-healing capacity, and the meds are trying to kill it off, but not to strengthen my body, in fact they weaken me. i have to try again to find some natural remedy, but the web is bewildering, it's a tangled web indeed. let me try some natural cleanse, as my sister recommends.