i'm still looking for a wagon for mister, and bewildered. i'm afraid to get the wrong thing, and the abundance of options doesn't help. this is my level of confidence now, hovering around zero, that i not only feel i'm nobody but that i can't even pick a wagon. i can't keep it to myself, and when i say it aloud it sounds self-pitying and makes others annoyed. they say i should not compare myself, that i should celebrate. i do compare, but mainly with myself, with what i might be if i was free. i know i stop myself. yet how do i stop stopping. it doesn't feel volitional, it feels as if i just stop, i run out of energy and am stopped. am i stopped or do i stop. are they the same? sometimes i celebrate, and sometimes i'm incomparably free. but the default mode is this nobody that lurks behind the one who is deferred. there was something i was to do. it's not over yet r. says. i feel shame in saying that sometimes often it feels that way.