every time i see cardell he asks, you takin' any pictures?
i go, arggh in my inside voice and 
i say yes thousands, did you ever look at the blog?
he says, i got to do that. what's the address again?

so i say, i'm not a gonna tell ya cardell, you'll just feel guilty for not lookin' ha ha. then he says, no,no, i got my laptop right here i'm goin' in this coffee joint right now. so i tell him knowing full well and already i'm humiliated like i shamelessly tried to sell myself for free to someone who was just making passing conversation nice. you live and some things never learn.

some say gratuitously, and belittlingly, you do it for yourself
(sad thought in a sad world) and
bullshit, you do it to connect, and for some kind of love and attention you miss
and always need. they also say
you gotta love yourself
bullshit,
you got to be loved, but i think some part of me must have been born in some paradise
where
i once lived
or live in some remote place in my brain
i need to unlock with transcranial magnetic stimulation
i can't afford.

speaking of same, comet and hilde's family have never deigned to look at the blog, even
for their beloved dogs. aside from my ego hurt, ain't they even curious? well, we have each other, and i love myself, and i do it for myself, and if they don't see it, i do it for them.