there's a lot of things that i'm disgruntled by now and i suppose it's ever thus and why i have no human companions. my camera is dead or hovering in a deathlike trance and the camera i sent back never arrived and i lost my receipt so can't track it and there's a leak under my sink and my apartment is like a homeless shelter for one lunatic. and my sister is moving away. the one who called me here from my last last stop in ukrainian village. i have been aloof and guilty and i'm going to cry soon i know but for now i'm just disgruntled and frozen at the source. sorry portugal for this sorry ass despondent entry.

if i could just stop thinking about all i don't have and everything failing and the toxicity the toxic city the nation the lead poisoned dumbing down of a bankrupted desouled nation if only i could find peace in a country of war. how do you do that? with picture by picture of dog by dog?

and one day i won't even have him. i can't even imagine the future now, let alone without him. it seems so bleak. but for now he is thriving and i am holding on and squeezing out a few sparks from this sad camera, and i'm not in the hell of my ukrainian village or sleeping under mys sister's plastic glow star encrusted basement stair.