i got tired during the 4th paramita—joyful exertion. they say it takes constant effort, constant study, and there will be obstacles—sloth, losing heart, busyness (a form of laziness)—but with acceptance we can open up, not beat ourself up, and not get resigned. i don't do the practice of meditation, which seems to be necessary. maybe i'm as they say, preparing to get prepared. i may meditate in my own way. i am working on awareness. i want to be awake. i'm aware i'm not fully awake yet. i can see the possibility of more exertion and joy.