i think i was afraid of relationships because i was afraid of failure. i had come to the grim awareness that i was a disaster. the world is a disaster too, so i could focus on that, but that wouldn't make me well. 
dogs are beautiful, and i haven't quite failed with dogs, but dogs are not enough, and they don't live long enough, and i have to be human, but i'm not good enough. i don't understand what it is to be human and i don't know how.
when my dogs die i think, what will become of me?