i feel creepy. like a creep. i can understand why people want to surrender their will to a higher power to tell them how to be, because it's so bewildering. i know how to be when things go well, or when i'm oppressed by haters, but sometimes i really don't know how i feel and i know i'm acting strange yet i can't see why or calm myself and find detachment and perspective. i feel that i didn't learn right how to relate with others of my kind. in truth i learned to dissociate from others, with the painful feeling that there was no one of my kind. 
if i say i'm damaged it just rings of self-pity and inflated self-regard, but isn't it possible to be impaired in development, untaught, or taught wrong, at a critical time? impaired in the soul, or the ego, like one might be or become impaired in the brain? where does damage come from? if we're damaged from without, do we want to harm ourselves or others, to maintain that early imbalance or disequilibrium?  do we come to mistrust love if love was withheld or used to manipulate us. things happen in divorce that are literally unspeakable because the sense of the world is shattered and cannot be put together again. and yet we are adults, as well as children. we feel shame and responsibility and anger and muted identity. 
i'm tired as usual and i can't say the feelings clearly, and i know i push doom, but it seems there is something about the world that reminds me of a fractured and fraught, and dangerous family. this explosive dynamic explodes.