i saw dorcas, she said i just saw suzanne. mentioned the video of me and mister swimming, me carrying mister out of the water, how it calms the nerves. i had a dripping ice cream cone, she said, feel like i have blood on my hands. milk blood, i said and asked how she was. i don't know, checking in, i said, yeah, i keep checking in, still, i still don't know. nothing gets lost for good, it's all there in the record.