what a gift. i've had a decade with this dog. this dog has supported me for years. 

r. went to michigan. i have a mild headache behind my eyes and my frontal lobe. my front feels like a slab of something trying to think. 

i went to the co-op to get the uninhabitable earth, the book that wasn't there. then i thought about the book of disquiet, pessoa, but then thought that's a book i want to read but i tried before, then i looked at hannah arendt, but it seemed too dense. i want nuggets. my head's full but i need something. then i saw the letters of paul celan and ingeborg bachman and then looked for ingeborg bachman that wasn't there. i ordered the uninhabitable earth, but do i need to read that? i want to get a grasp of what is happening. i heard an interview and was struck by the fact he said in the book it's much worse than we thought and that the ten years out scenario is misleading, but then he says all the things that could happen by the end of the century, catastrophic, but that nothing is inevitable and it's all up to us. he says we should panic because panic makes things happen. but the predator capitalist industry of oil and drugs and war are now unbeatable, and he didn't talk about that. i don't want to buy a book that says we're fucked but there's time. that's what i feel anyway, though the time is crushing and the end of the century seems forever. so i may not get that book. 
something would have to happen not only in everyday people, a sea change, but the collapse of the giant industry of death that makes capitalist leviathans who rule the planetary demise. 

i'm going to try to read annie besant and ponder over the pictures of hilma af klint. 

i talked to my sister and heard about the young people in the suburbs and how the breakdown of society is played out in their tragically young lives, and i remember in my gut the same thing in my time, but things have gotten much more hopeless for kids now. the oldies used to say you should have seen it in my day, it was much harder. they can't say that now, and that is tragic, because we know it was hard then, and we want to say kid you never had it so good, just look at me. all the oldies can say now is, kid we're in this together, and feel sorry the kids will be in this after.

but my sister says hold on to love, hold on to trees, and dogs, cats, your girl, your boy, hold on to what you got.  

thank you all. the diary keeps me sane, though it may not read that way. i can't imagine just writing in a book and putting it in a drawer. i probably would have wrote a lot of letters back in the day, but it's different, and i'm glad. i don't wait for the mail. i know you are there as i'm here and we aren't waiting.