i been thinking about worth and damage, brokenness. and s. mentioned kintsugi, the golden mend, when they fix broken pottery with gold dust. i said i mend but am broken, so that's it. maybe the broken needs to be re-mended. i said i was ambivalent, and i don't know if that word is right. it doesn't seem to get it right, and hurts. why that word. things words come up unbidden and we get called on them: are they ours, or implanted before. many words are not deliberate, are rote, they come unbidden. we come undone with words. i have to go, i dont know what to think. i need to think as much as silence. i need to pause in thought for silence. i need to walk, and swim while there chance and weather favors me. one small banana and i'm out.
post script. sarah at the museum of science and industry paused overwhelmed by kid activity to ask one small banana? and i said, all's you need is one small banana. then r. said she thought i meant one small banana's all that stands between me and my fated end. and i see now how my bleak narrative would lead to that conclusion. i just meant i mo eat a small banana and walk the dog! ha. but now i read it again it sounds like part of the narrative, not a shift, but, like, my slapstick fate awaits.