mister's getting restless to go, but i'm trying to drink my coffee first and poop. he was leaned up on the bed this morning and lay down on my crocs while i scratched his belly, which is crusty in mysterious patches that appear all over his poor body. we'll get to the lake today and that will cool the itch, though i wonder if both our mysterious skins are affected by some waterborne toxin. i thought yesterday i have to get to the calm, like i have to get to the water. maybe everything is associational. if we associate, then we relate, these things we find are related.
i zipped through motherhood, i think i find she talks sexy and that makes her alluring, yet in between it's all about the yearning to procreate in the most literal sense and i keep thinking back to x-stine, who left at the same age, 40, that heti is writing about. i see that the womb is there, whether it fills or not. i can feel the impetus to fill or generate. unlike x-stine, heti is ambivalent, and says while her friends made six babies, she made six books. still, this one's about making/not making babies. x-stine made babies, of course, without me. for a guy i guess that generation is the same impetus, shared. i might have done, but maybe not, given my family history. i always feel a fear when i think of making new life. i'm mystified by my own care, and the care of a dog. bodies mystify me, and bodies always seem to be getting in trouble. and it just feels like it's a time of winding down for humans, though it doesn't seem at all a consensus, it is a common feeling, and it just seems to be inevitable, whether or not we are the fittest of the species. it's a time of winding down, and i was right not to make babies, and sheila heti seems to be working it out in words, which i'm glad of, though i do love babies, and am awestruck at the audacity and faith of progenitors. it feels like like the time to wind down material generation, even if the material is soul material. there are so many souls now, and a glut of material production, and hence, so many souls suffering in this time, our rampant expansive generation. so i could wind this down by saying i think her book for me was a revisit to the juncture i passed with x-stine, and a look at what other kinds of generation i might have achieved. and it strikes me that what she did with a book might have been a blog the way she writes, yet she managed to get it bound, yet it strikes me it should have been a weblog, unbound.
pshew. sorry. i got to poo.