i was smiley and alive, and dare i say, happy, this morning. i thought, i would be a happy person, i would be naturally happy, given a little help and a little grace and a goodly amount of love. i would be open to the natural world. but for the government and business, but for these hateful and destructive enterprises, but for the criminal nature of human power. i would be happy if my heart and soul were not daily devastated by human evil. and this is the strength i find, that i could actually be happy in such an artificial, venal paradigm. 

postscript:

i have the help and the grace and the goodly amount of love. i became like a hard soil that needs to come back to life, to absorb the good things, and to feed them as well. i need to become porous to love and relax my withdrawal and my fear of abandonment. to grow love like good soil. in the book the hidden life of trees he says roots are the brains of the tree, and they are tended by beneficial fungus, and in turn the fungus is fed. it's like that, my brain. but i have to move my roots around and gather my fungal resources as i may.