fen was quiet. he was worn out from wandering into walls.

 i was glad he was calm. then he popped back up again.

i wanted to do something. there was nothing to do. just hold him and say i love you.

it was getting to the point he had to go. i had to go too. how could i leave, knowing i would never see fen again? i could not stay, and i could not go.

he cried and squirmed away, and got stuck under the coffee table. i freed him to wander again.

i know he was glad we were all there. dogs are alone so much. i can't bear the thought of dying alone. i can't think of his dying without thinking of my own.

and still, even in his dying, i'm still thinking in pictures. am i crazy? do i live more in pictures than reality? but this is reality. with fen.

i'm desolate now as i look. i think now, in the picture, on reflection, i can say goodbye. the pictures are coming to an end.

here i show i go on. i keep worrying the pictures, holding him and holding on, seeing him in my arms and wandering, the pictures he sees. i'm really glad i got to hold him one more time. i feel like i'll feel this way forever. like this ocean of grief that underlies life, that holds us in buoyant thrall.

after his wandering i pressed him gently back into his pillow and tucked him in. i kissed his sweet head.

to me he was everything small and vulnerable and wonderful in the world. he was in his way just like little me. he was proud and joyful and obstinate and bristling with integrity.

and i wish we had one more walk. i dream of carrying him on my shoulder all the way to the beach.

oh my sweet baby fen. oh me.

after i left i gave mister fen's crunchy treats, i even smiled and took mister to the beach.

later at home i heard squirrels in the wall. i banged and a wooden painting fell on my head. i bled.

just when i banged my head, jess called and said fen is at peace. i said, asleep? no, he just died. 

so now it is ended. but fen hasn't ended for me. 

at 11:20 i keep seeing pictures of us walking, the places we would go, that are fen places, that now are heart places, places we can't go, that have burrowed inside me. places he will go, burrowed in my soul. i take a pill, deep sleep. the sleep of forever, this boy with me.