a pause with fen. fen gives me comfort and i just hope i give him some too though i'm so depleted myself and miserable and can't hide it from fen. maybe there's something of the beyond within that we can summon when all hope is lost without. oh fen, oh little inverted space monkey of my heart, you will always have a space in me, if you can find it. 

anyways otherwise in fen news i'm kind of disappointed in the royal treatment, and a little embarrassed, and i'm not sure about it now after what i've heard they say, and i just wish i could get mister's collard rolls into him and i'll keep my own notion about death and dying and living and give it where it wills and i'll keep bringing my bedside manner to our walk and keep lifting him up in his sweet body as long as he lives. 

post-script. fen was stumbling and so i was scared going there but he got up and ate and then margaret said he had a brain tumor and my heart dropped i was thinking less dire and outside he seemed okay, he walked well and smelled things and interacted with dogs and then on the way home he kept turning away from home.  
he doesn't seem anxious like we are and i guess it's good not to know the words brain and tumor and not together. i thought i wanted a clear prognosis in a way, but i just want to be in the moment with him, i want to give him hugs and rubs and know that he doesn't look ahead like me, and i want to be like him, to be with him, to be me, to know you know because you do, but to act naturally.