i put black rain aside and started look, look, look, look, look again. for so long i've felt dark and negative. i don't know what i came in with, or what came from my family growing up, or what came from the world. i've struggled with the feelings, and with shame for feeling that way. i read in kevin townley's book, if you think getting rid of negativity is going to solve your problems, then you don't understand your problems and you don't understand negativity. it is precisely the thing you want to get rid of that you require in order to be free. i sat in front of the fire box in a shack on an island when i was 21 with the door open, wasting wood trying to burn my negativity. it didn't work. books have helped, people and dogs have helped, but there were times when i thought i'd have to disappear to be free. that goes down to shame, and absurdity, i wouldn't be free, i wouldn't even be. this is going nowhere, i can't wrap it up in a little package. i have to let it rest.