the feelings go back a long time. the feeling with mister went back to another mister, mister bigsby, the dog i left in b.c. 
i once left a dog, my dog, in b.c. i was overwhelmed, heart broke, money broke, and i can still feel the whoosh in my solar plexus, when my dog jumped on the truck with his puppy, going for adoption, and i could barely say goodbye. he was unneutered, guilty of at least one unwanted family, and accused of killing sheep. the feelings with mister go back that far and further still. i was thinking now i cannot abandon mister, when i'm older now and more stable?, and he did nothing wrong, and we worked so hard to be like this here together.
i'm sorry for the yelling. there's a response deep down that overrides my reason, like my being is threatened by the difference, and that my core is dismissed, as if i myself am not proven, and like alternative medicines, will never be proven, because i'm not in line with the status quo. and there's no money for proof, or patentability.