sorry mister, i got angry again, i got called an asshole and maybe i am, but i was angry not at you but in defense of you, to help keep and protect you, and to keep you going. 

update. i left without walking mister this afternoon, and i feel crazy and stricken, and guilty for abandoning him. it's happened before but each time could have been, could be, the end. there is something fundamental at odds between us, a complete breakdown between the ways we see life, and then there is mister, the vital connection that exists despite the disconnect. when an eruption occurs i think it's like a premature death. 

it's unthinkable, as i know i've said before, to stop what has been life for me, my life with mister. she always says he's not my dog, and i know that in my gut, and my life is precarious for that fact. 

i know my emotions flood my brain, and i cannot think clearly, but i also know that everything i have done with mister has been on instinct, and if my instinct goes wrong it's all i have, really. the proof of my instinct is in the dog, and the dog is in me. instinct and love, it's all i have, really.
anyway i know that you were lame, i still see it and feel my heart drop. i know that was like three years ago, when i started giving you turmeric. i couldn't convince her that it was true so i absorbed the cost myself. now she wants to discontinue the curcumin, the active ingredient of turmeric, as an experiment. we ran out of the curcumin a few days ago, and if he was stiff, it was probably because of the lack. i can't see any logic in discontinuing the only thing that has helped him. i wanted t add cpb oil, but after years of buying the turmeric/curcumin, can i afford to pay for that too? this is the paradox of loving a dog that's not yours.