unsettling stuff comes up with dogs. reward and punishment stuff. 
i didn't have training, i just was there, and time went by. i think the reason i don't train dogs is i had no training. i don't know if that's true, but there's a causal relation. i just kind of shut up and went along. in the space where positive training would come in naturally i feel punishment rise. yeah, i just always tried to avoid drawing anger, and i associated my father's attention with anger, even if he was smiling. his smile inspired fear. i was punished obscurely i think, i was punished without knowing what or why or when. i felt i never knew what i was supposed to do so i avoided doing, or did my own thing. i think i wanted to get outside reward and punishment. i wanted to get outside of my father's obscure and fearful paradigm. i wanted to get away from him. 
when the divorce finally came i felt free, and crushed between two absences. what freedom.
i swore no allegiance to either. i was hostage to the between.
shame and punishment arose together. now if i punish a dog i feel shame and i punish myself and i feel shame. i just want trained nice dogs so i don't have to train because i'm untrained and i don't want punishment or shame. 
i know that i was conditioned this way, albeit unconsciously. i know also there is another way, of love, but i wasn't trained that way. i was trained with anger, fear, anxiety. love is new territory. i wasn't trained in it. love is like starting over with no training every day.