it's snowing. i've left my snow pants at home. i didn't sleep much. i am an underachiever. there is a freedom in that that may be envious. still i am that underachiever with qualifications. not very adept socially. too self-deprecating. it gets boring. it devalues the good people who value me. i don't mean to. narcissism is not pretty and it keeps me from maturing. i say i don't want to grow up in this society. it's a story only partly true. i want to grow up free in and of this society of illness. i want to live well. i do.