r.elation

so, let's think about this, the moon is nearly full of light, and on the coldest day the sun increases minutely. i celebrate the old year here. with you.

let's bring in perspective. we can't just think of the land grab. we have to think of us.

my friend asked me: 

how did you do that 
after not being in a relationship for many years 

if it weren't for the blog you wouldn't know r.....

oh--i wouldn't really know you much either since we use it as a common point or something

you communicate w/lots of people thru the blog--incl many you dont even know

i thought this. since yesterday someone mentioning their grandfather was all alone--heightened sense of right vs wrong, cant recall.......and just this How long.............jesus doug...........its been since........decades.

someone kind of approached me--in fact some have--but i wasn't that interested 

in some cases didn't want at all--or couldn't respond.....maybe that's it

there's something wrong--haven't had libido since

don't know how long

its not just post men i don't think its decades of depression.....shutting me down?

now it's time to revisit time together. since so many are alone. like i was.

i respond to my friend,

i met r. with the birders. but she came to me through the blog.

that is a pertinent question. how did i do it. i just did the blog. r. asked me if she could be in my life from reading the blog, and brief glimpses of me and mister on the island. and that is amazing. i had long resigned myself to skulking solo through life.

it is my primary way of communication. with strangers too. on a non-local, physics level, i get feedback i think.

funny, i often cursed my libido in the past, like my mind, i wanted to turn it off, be free of it. but it is connection. it may go dormant, but libido must be active in some way. going from alone to together is an intimate quantum leap. (nature is hard, but harder to deny)

clearly depression affects libido. it may cause you to addict to shallow contact, or withdraw into inertia. like a cave fish has the place of eyes but no eyes. maybe seeing light but indistinct form. 
 
well you know. it's email. it's a beginning. you have to start some place. why not where you are. why not.

how many times i've thought of going blind. of always being alone. of exhausting my lonely libido.

now it's been a year. and it's been hard. and dear. when it almost broke i couldn't think. i couldn't think of another way. but onward. 

i bless the day you found me. (finally).