i've had the fantasy of just leaving my apartment, taking nothing but a bag of clothes. it sounds liberating, like those monks who burn their huts every five years and move on. but then i think of the movie the sacrifice, where i learned about the monks. in the film there's a nuclear catastrophe impending and the guy lights his house on fire and runs around in his robe until a white asylum wagon comes and carries him away. and i think of grandma rose who left her house in ukraine when the pogram came ethnic cleanse the jews. i'm lucky i know but i feel trauma in my soul.